• Tori The Double Pisces

Getting Personal With Mercury Retrograde

Maybe both? Who's to say at this point, with I believe 5, or is it 6, I don't know, other Retrograding planets?  All I know is that Mars is supposed to stop in late August which will be GREAT because it's turned me into The Hulk, and Mercury goes direct on September 2nd. I know there's a shadow point for two weeks after direct when the torture continues, but I don't understand it and I feel that after almost a month of f*ckery, it's fine to just get back to your life, albeit looking over your shoulder, per se. 

So this is just a brief list of all the things that have gone on in my life as of late that have made me point a middle finger to the sky and then falls to my knees and pray to Jesus for mercy...

Father Ted was the best show EVER!

In no particular order...

* My husband's car could have caught on fire while he was driving it. This is discovered after he had the same flat tire fixed two times in a row back to back. 

* The car repair work that I had done is not repaired. There is also a random bug living in my car that won't leave while the windows are open and won't die when I spray sh*t on it. 

* Pulled my neck out. Wearing like a heated brace now. I look awesome.

* Husband's phone is broken. Warranted, but broken, and odds are he'll lose everything on it because he wasn't savvy enough to back up to the Cloud. And if he does need a new one, he's SOL because he's not getting it until 9/2.

* On the same token, my cheapo, fake Fitbit, which has always sucked, is now unwearable, impeding the progress of my workouts, and cannot be replaced with a proper and real Fitbit until 9/2.

September 2nd will be a big shopping day for us. I can tell. 

I bet that sale at Fitbit will be over and I can't buy it at Amazon because Fitbit won't insure it. As for Bob's phone, which OF COURSE will need to be replaced, adding another $25 bucks a month to my already ridiculous phone bill. He'll OF COURSE want an iPhone X, which isn't going to happen. I need to be able to hack that thing. Facial recognition my ass. 

Ok, so where was I? Yes, kvetching about Mercury Retrograde in my life...

* Can't get my rep at The Real Real to return my messages and tell me where my Longchamp bag is and if he can return my Gucci keychain. Woe is me with my First World Problems. Venus RX, getting ready to go there. 

* I'm playing massive phone/text tag with people that I REALLY want to talk to. There's a hole in my soul without them. Sniffles. 

* I keep falling asleep before Rick and Morty.

* Do we speak of my massive rage issues, or count that up to Mars RX? Or both? My Shrink said it's lack of stimulants in my system. I asked for Xanax instead. He said no. 

* There's a dead plug in the wall where my treadmill is and I can't move it so I can't use it so there's no point in me having it in the first place and the movers can't move it so whoever moves in here gets a treadmill and quite possibly a TV since it seems it's cheaper to buy and install a new one than relocate the TV we have now. Run on sentence, but run on problem as well. That's fine with me because the TV we have now was a gift from Satan. 

* My phone is funky. I can't even talk about it. 

* My Husband is insistent that my car is making a sound that it is not making. I called him a drama whore and some random swear words. The last thing I needed that day was more bad news. Of course it's making a sound. It's the sound of the bug in the car that won't die buzzing in his ear while he's driving it because he can't drive his because it'll light on fire. 

Of course, none of that pales in comparison to the foolishness that my girl in California who drive 14 hours straight to get the F out of Northern CA to her glistening new home in the OC only to lock herself out of her unit, lose both sets of keys, including the mailbox keys, have all of the locks changed, (and you know the Management Co. charged her hard core for that drama) not get her belongings on time, I believe, so she's been staying on couches and at hotels and living out of a suitcase and her purse. Additionally, the girl that flew in to help her move couldn't get home because the airline canceled her flight at least four times that I'm aware of. The last time I heard from my dear friend was a murmured voice mail message saying she wanted to chat but was at the same time praying for the suffering to end so she was going to bed until September. 

That stuff is gross. Sorry to the lovers. But...ew.

Didn't I write a blog about how Mercury Retrograde isn't that bad? I should have gone back and looked before I penned this thesis. But generally it's not that bad, and I don't let it make me its b*tch. This time I have to give in to the fact that other Retrogrades must have given Mercury some super power to destroy everything because I'm not the only one. I know it. I hear it. I get texts from clients asking when this horror is going to come to an end? I tell them in just a few weeks, but say nothing of the upcoming Venus Retrograde where everyone gets back with old lovers, has shotgun weddings, and cheaters get busted, among other things. 

So, I went in search of a list of things about Mercury Retrograde that don't suck so hard, and I found one. From The Huffington Post in 2013, Larry Schwimmer wrote a list of ten things about Mercury Retrograde that aren't so bad. Actually, he repeated himself a couple of times. But it's a stretch to come up with a list ten and maybe he knew it? Or maybe he wrote it during Mercury RX and the words weren't flowing. Either way, this list isn't mine, it's from THE HUFFINGTON POST FROM 2013 BY LARRY SCHWIMMER SO NO ONE SUE ME. I'm just citing a few facts from the article, sharing my thoughts on it, and will link aid article below below so you can see the real deal. 

Tah Dah...list of why Mercury RX doesn't suck it...

Uh huh. Keeping the dream alive.

* You find lost items! I always thought you lose sh*t during Mercury RX but apparently you can find them too. Quite a dichotomy. I guess the key is it has to be stuff REALLY lost. Like lost and gone forever lost, not stuff you just lost during that particular Retrograde, if I understand correctly. 

* You hear from people from your past! This is a blessing and a curse, and also something I would, again, attribute to Venus RX. But I guess not everyone from your past comes from a romantic background. Maybe it's the debt collector you've been evading for the past seven years? Maybe it's an old friend wanting to catch up and spill the tea. (Spill the tea - Talk smack, for your old people, like myself.) Maybe it's an old boss offering your job back. Don't take it until Mercury goes direct! Taking a job under Mercury RX is a sure fire way to lose it, so sayeth the experts. Tell him you need X amount of weeks until it goes direct to make your visit to HR. Play it safe. Maybe it is your ex? Again, blessing or a curse? A check in to make sure you're still breathing? Why do you care, but a thoughtful gesture. By a fluke I saw that my ex got married during Mercury RX. That was awesome. A call from an ex to be told you're a Baby Daddy and you owe some money for two years back of child support, not so much. 

And you're probably up because your mind is spinning because it's Mercury RX.

* Fixing the unfixable: Like an iPhone 6 or car that catches fire while you drive it going 70 down I90? I'll fix that phone  putting it to Factory Settings before I drop any coin on another, even if it does mean my Husband has to spend four hours perfecting Spotify again because he couldn't recall his logon info. He'll lose some important phone numbers. That's what email is for. He'll lose one number in particular who I hope has an email that bounces back, but that's a story for why I think Cancer ain't all it's cracked up to be. Get it? Cracked up? I slay me. 

I get a lot of crap for my...um...what's the word...or phrase...can do without most Cancers. But it's not just me. Ask my clients, the ones that call that have drama in their life and need a synastry chart to see what's the problem is. Almost always, their chart is compared to a July birthday. Always the same problems too.

There are some that are dear to my heart. There's my high school best friend and my Mother by default. Some clients as well, but I don't have to break bread with them. The rest...Another blog, another time. Again, not all...just a certain kind, and that phone number lost as far as my Husband's Cancerian friend is concerned can BURN and stay lost forever. (Odds are my Husband will make me delete this so read it while you can.) 

ANYWHOOOO....Where were we?

* Learning the truth about things! Again, blessing or curse? Ignorance is bliss is a Piscean philosophy of mine. That's why I snapped on my Husband for telling my unbroken car was broken. Too much information on my plate at the same time. Do you hate me? Hate behind my back or go away. Telling me to my face will only be unfortunate for you. I have Mercury in Aries and Mars Rising. (Again, explained another time. For those who know astrology, I'd like to add I have Saturn rising below the Horizon and that's why I'm so optimistic.) Do you need to know that your father secretly wished you were a boy and sorta resents you for not being one? How about your days are numbered at your job? Are you dipping on the side? You're about to be stone cold busted. Has your mechanic been gouging you for years? Now's the time for that second opinion on your inferno of a Honda? Maybe you're not actually Best Friends with that person? Maybe your time has come to an end and your road parts now? Did you get ghosted? The truth speaks in silence.

Is there good truth? Of course! He loves you, always has, always will, let's do that shot gun wedding thing. Your house appraisal is far beyond your expectations. You're told you're too skinny. That's a matter of opinion. Are you medically too skinny and you're getting honest and concerned feedback, or do you look just fine and people have different definitions of what "skinny" is? Your cooking IS that good and you should follow your dreams of your own food truck. Your artwork is amazing. You can sing and should be on The Voice. You're just a nice, decent person. Probably the best truth you can get.

What if you're asked for the truth? Give it. But do it as succinctly as you can. After all, with Mercury RX things can easily be taken out of context and turned into a sh*tshow you weren't planning on being a part of. Don't have conversations like that over text. Skip the phone too if you can. Face to face so you can see body language is best. After all, you don't want a storm to erupt because of a dumb Mercury Misunderstand and have to wait until the next Retrograde to go back to that person to patch it up something dumb that shouldn't have happened in the first place. 

* You'll laugh a lot more! Because all of this sh*t is ridiculous. We go through Mercury Retrograde something like four times a year. People who are born with it Natally don't even notice it. The big to-do here is the other planets Retrograding with it, especially Mars, I think. A car on fire couldn't be more symbolic of a Mercury/Mars RX Hybrid if I could think of one myself. 

As promised, here is the link to The Huffington Post, 2013 article about 10 Things Good about Mercury Retrograde, complete with a hyperlink to a list of 10 things why it sucks. 


With that, it's time to reboot this heating wrap and promote this endless prose that I meant to keep super short. But they're never super short, and I spend just as much time picking the pictures as I do writing this. I'm sure it's full of typos that my Husband will find later after we fight about taking out burning his friend's phone number.

About two more weeks, Friends. We can do it. Godspeed.

* 10 Good Things That Happened During Mercury Retrograde by The Huffington Post, 10/23/13 by Larry Schwimmer

* Pictures by Icanhazacheezeburger.com, Pinterest, Tee Picture, and any source from Google Images not listed

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